I laid in bed after a particularly emotionally intense day, and cried. It was the wee hours of the morning and I was trying not to wake up my roommate. I was serving a humanitarian mission with another organization in Zambia, and was trying to make sense of multiple, heart breaking experiences I had had over the course of 3-4 days.
Mothers Without Borders, in Zambia
I heard my roommate stir in her bed. I laid still, hoping she thought I was still asleep. She rustled around in her bed some more, then settled down into the stillness of the night. A few minutes passed, the I heard a quiet whisper...." Sarah? Are you awake?" "Yes. I am." I replied. "It's kind of hard to sleep after today." She untied her mosquito netting from around her bed and pulled it to the side so she could swing her legs over and sit on the side of her bed.
Ms. Robley
I loved this woman!
Robley is her name, and I worked with her in the lab at the hospital. I had always felt a maternal type of love from her and cherished the time I was able to spend with her. 6 months prior to this event, I had shared with her my plans to go to Africa, and the next thing I knew, she had decided that I wasn't going to go without her.
"You know," she said, "you are really great with kids."
I was teaching the children a song
I expressed my gratitude for the compliment and told her how much I truly loved children; all children. I always have. I have always been a nurturer, but have been drawn to children who suffer, are less fortunate, or live in unfavorable circumstances, for most of my life.
It was quiet for a few moments as we were both contemplating our journey thus far. I hesitantly broke the silence. "Kathy does an amazing job with this organization. I can't believe she started this from scratch, with no formal education in this line of work. She is just amazing to me." "Yes, she is." Robley replied. The room grew still as we sat there in silence, once again. "Sarah," she spoke from the dark, "you could do this, you know." "Do what?" I thought. "Don't you think you could do this?" Robley asked. "I think you could do this. I think you should do something like this." I didn't really know what to say. " I don't know Robley. That is nice of you to say, but I just don't know. I wouldn't even know the first thing to do." I said. " Well, you could and I think you would be good at it. You are so good with children." Robley said in response.
Using Sign Language to tell them "I Love You". Taught them to say it in English
That was the end of our conversation for the night. Robley got up to use the rest room, then returned to bed and settled in for the rest of the night. I had evaded being caught crying and hadn't been forced to express my thoughts that were still confusing and needed time for processing. I didn't want to think anymore, and I certainly didn't want to entertain our brief discussion. I got up and took a sleeping pill so my mind would be forced to be still. The last thing I remember thinking that night was, " I think you should do something like this...."
The seed had been planted. The funny part was, I wanted nothing to do with that seed. I came home from that trip, processed those experiences, grew spiritually and mentally, and tried to suppress the growth of that pesky little seed.
But to no avail, no matter how hard I plucked at it, it continued to stir and to grow. I shared this with no one. Why would I? This was INSANE! I though it was crazy, so I could only imagine what everyone else would say. But the thoughts and feelings intensified. It became so intense, that at times I literally felt as if I was going a little mentally crazy.
I finally conjured up enough courage to share this with my husband. All of it; the conversation with Robley, the feelings and emotions I was having, and the nagging pressure I was experiencing. I was waiting for him to tell me just what I wanted, and expected to hear.....that, "I was crazy" and that, "There is no way you could do something like this." This was not the response I encountered. He responded with nothing but love and encouragement. He said, "Of course you could do this. You are amazing and have amazing talents and can do anything in the world. Have you prayed about it?" I didn't really want to answer that. "No. Not yet." I said. Pray? I was too scared to pray about it. Deep down I already knew what the answer was and I was afraid of it. Praying meant receiving an answer, and receiving answers came with the responsibility of acting. Was I ready to act? Did I have enough faith in God, or in myself to act?
It didn't take me too long to realize what my next step was. I am a praying woman, and I pray daily, but had intentionally avoided this subject. Some time later, I found myself kneeling next to my bed, praying, in the stillness of the night. I poured my heart out to my Father in Heaven. I expressed my fears, my confusion, and share with Him every reason why I wasn't qualified to do this. I seriously thought that I could convince God to change His mind and that I really wasn't the girl for this kind of job. Tearfully, I asked if this was truly a direction from Him. Nothing came. I already knew that this was something from Him. I wasn't approaching this the right way. Verbally I said, " Father. I know that this is from thee. I am willing to go and do as thou has asked of me.
The response I received was firm, but gentle; quiet, yet powerful beyond description,....and undoubtedly from a loving, Father in Heaven.
There was work for me to do in Sierra Leone. His work. I was set apart and prepared for this calling prior to this life and was being asked to dedicate my time, talents, and my love for God's children, to serving them, in behalf of Him. I was promised that He would qualify me as I served and that doors would be opened. The pathway would be made clear as I trusted Him and moved forward. I was reminded that many are called, but few are chosen. What made me chosen? I was chosen, because I CHOSE to be chosen. I chose to listen. I sought for His guidance and for his answers. I was willing to ask. I was willing to be led; to do His will, not mine.....I was willing to act, and I still do so today.
The thing is, we all have seeds that are planted within us. There is not one seed that is greater than the other. At times in our lives, we will all be "Called" to do something, but do we have the courage to act? It doesn't have to be grand, or noteworthy to the world. One may feel the need to help a neighbor, to nurture a specific child, to give of our substance, to say a kind word. That is being "called" and is just as important and vital to those individuals lives. We are the tools that God has to work with. We are the ministering angels he sends to one another. We hold the power within us to be "Chosen".
